November 16, 2016
So you’ve probably heard that the two leading contenders for secretary of state are Rudy “Rubber Room” Giuliani and John “So Many Countries to Bomb, So Little Time” Bolton. When we leaked this info the Canadian immigration website crashed again.
Doesn’t Rudy remind you of Chief Inspector Dreyfus in the Pink Panther movies, especially the later ones? Yeah, me too. My lawyers have determined that Rudy can serve as secretary of state even while institutionalized.
Some of you worried that a Baby DonDon administration wouldn’t be inclusive, that it would just be a refuge for angry white has-beens. But already you can see I am reaching out, willing to put someone mentally ill in my cabinet. This is a civil rights issue and Baby DonDon is for the civil rights of some people.
Now today’s soon-to-be-abolished New York Times has an article about Rudy’s alleged conflicts of interest. Rudy has done everything we accused Crooked Hillary of doing, only he really did it. Since 2004, he has done image consulting for Russian oligarchs. So? That’s what I did during the campaign with the oligarch-in-chief, Vlad “Show Some Cleavage” Putin.
You know I’m against stupid wars so, you wonder, what the heck attracts me to John Bolton? I like his willingness to bomb ISIS wherever they are. In Mosul, in Raqqa, in Berkeley, Seattle and on the Upper West Side. When he was governor of California, Ronald Reagan dreamed of bombing Berkeley, but felt he couldn’t. John Bolton will turn his dream into reality.
Critics call Bolton rigid, but I find him flexible. He says bombing could start on a Tuesday or a Thursday, whichever I prefer.
Oh, did you hear I’m considering Ted Cruz for attorney general? Yeah, that scares the shit out of me too.