Sucking Up Works for Only So Long


November 29, 2016

Hello, again, my friends! I’ve been busy trying to make the world safe from facts, but now I’m back with you, my faithful followers.

First things first. Given my election victory, I will no longer refer to myself as Baby DonDon. From now on it’s Super Baby DonDon!

So the hard work on the transition continues. Oh, what should I do with Chris Christie and Rudy Giuliani? Some people have an embarrassment of riches, but me, I have an embarrassment of embarrassments to choose from.

Did you see that last week I said all those nice things about the New York Times when I met with its editors, columnists and reporters? Folks, here’s some life wisdom: always suck UP and punch DOWN. That’s what Super Baby DonDon does and look where that’s gotten me. And yesterday the paper rewarded my sucking up by doing a front-page puff piece on Steve Bannon. The piece quoted many people saying Steve wasn’t a racist, and I laughed my ass off through the whole thing. Yes, people, the Times thinks the most important alt-right guy just loves people of color!

But today the Times turned on me bigly. The lead editorial says I’m spewing “lies” about the election by saying I won the popular vote if the three million votes cast by illegals hadn’t been counted. Well, if I’m lying that means Alex Jones of InfoWars is lying and that can’t be. If he’s lying, that means Super Baby DonDon is full of shit. Not possible, right? And it would also mean 9/11 wasn’t an inside job and that lizard people aren’t actually seeking world domination.

I think Super Baby DonDon needs a time out. I am very confused. Oops, time to meet with more unqualified office seekers. Bye!

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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