Scotland is Not Mexico

July 5, 2016

Me, Baby DonDon, not happy. Did you see what happened in Scotland after I gave them two beautiful golf courses and some incredible suites? They raised a lot of Mexican flags and tweeted horrible things about me. They said I was a “witless fucking cocksplat!” And a “bloviating flesh bag.” And a “toupéd fucktrumpet.”

That last one really hurt because I don’t know what instrument the gentleman is referring to and because MY HAIR IS REAL. Okay, Scotland, be warned. You are on Baby DonDon’s poopy list. My nuclear poopy list, if I get the codes.

In the meantime, I will send my new best friend, Cwis Cwistie, to sit on you if you don’t apologize. Cwis and I have been having a lot of good playdates lately, and he’s very good at cleaning up after. He says he will protect me and be my BFF if I pick him to be my vice president. He says he’ll be my friend for 15 years if I name him attorney general and 10 years if I name him head of Homeland Security. (If I don’t give him anything, he says he will sit on Melania, which could turn her from a 10 into a 2. Not good for my brand.)

And that brings us to today. Instead of being able to enjoy the Fourth of July and watch New York Giants football players blow off their fingers, I have to have my day ruined by these vicious idiots who said my campaign was wrong to borrow an image of a Jewish star from a white supremacist website in a tweet calling Crooked Hillary crooked. Well, let me tell you, this is political correctness at its worst, when the liberal media fudgenozzles try to tell people you can’t trust something you find on a white supremacist website. I mean, that’s so racist. That’s so anti-white! And that is getting my biggest group of supporters, dumb violent Sweet Home Alabama white guys, very, very upset. So cut it out if you know what’s good for you. These guys may not have the codes, but they can be very forceful if they learn someone did something mean to Baby DonDon.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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