Hillary and Paulie Walnuts

July 6, 2016

Oh, this is so unfair! That mean, mean awful man, James Comey, the FBI director who is a disgrace to the Republican Party, announced yesterday that the feebs—wonder why they call them the feebs?—won’t be recommending that Crooked Hillary be indicted.

Fix! Fix! This is a fix bigger than anything my buddy Vince McMahon ever served up in his decades of running professional wrestling. But I have an idea to make things nice and fair. When I debate Hillary, I want her to be in a pillory. Hillary in a pillory—I love it. I’ll have my campaign guy Paul Manafort—I call him Paulie Walnuts—take care of the arrangements. “Hey, Paulie, get your walnuts over here!”

Baby DonDon happy now.

Well, almost. There’s another problem, a real doozy. In The New Yorker, Mark Singer wrote that I am having nightmares of November 9th headlines screaming “LOSER!!” Well, Mr. Mark Singer, you fartbucket, I’ve hated you for a long time and you better pray I don’t lose because if I do I will steal the codes and give you a nuclear suppository. Folks—and this will now be a big part of my campaign—I will do more nuking if I lose than if I win. That I can tell you. Sure, I’ll probably let fly a nuke or two from the Oval Office if some asshat world leader insults me or calls Melania a 9, but it’s my losing you really have to worry about. So that’s is yet another reason, besides my essential DonDonness, to vote for me.

Thank you. Baby DonDon paid for this message.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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