Professional Groping


October 11, 2016

So yesterday Baby DonDon was in Ambridge, average IQ 67, in the brain-dead trailer park that is Western Pennsylvania, waving a Terrible Towel to pander to Steeler fans. (Crooked Hillary is another kind of Stealer, that I can tell you.) And I gave a shoutout to my friend Ben Roethlisberger, the Steeler quarterback. I said “We love Big Ben. He is a strong guy and he’s a good guy too.”

And now the vigilantes in the mainstream media are saying it was weird and bad for Baby DonDon to praise Ben, given that he’s been accused of rape twice. You know, the BS sexual assault angle from my locker room banter with Billy Bush, and the fact that three women have accused me of rape or attempted rape. (I will RUIN all of them. They will regret they were ever born. Oh, right, one was Ivana, mother of the luscious and delectable and curvaceous Ivanka and Usay and Quday. Well, I’ll get the other two.) And then they’re also at me for saying in 2014 that Bill Cosby wasn’t fighting back hard enough against the women accusing him of sexual assault. And they mention my non-adviser adviser Roger Ailes, whose been accused of sexual harassment by at least 20 vicious lying ingrates who worked with him at Fox News.

Christ, pretty soon they will make sex illegal. Okay, they say, why is Baby DonDon so cozy with the sexual assault crowd. How many women must come forward before I am convinced?

A weird question to ask a professional groper, but I’ll give it a shot. There are about 3.5 billion females in the world. So if 20 people accuse Roger Ailes, that’s nothing. Would 400 women convince me? No. Would 600? No. I think you need 865 women, yeah, 865 makes sense. Anything less would be so unfair. And the same standards that apply to Roger and Bill Cosby should apply to me.

So, yeah, other women will come forward and accuse me of uninvited pussy appropriation. But there won’t be enough. There isn’t time. Thank God for that.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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