The Shackles are Off, Look Out Below!


October 12, 2016

You know Baby DonDon has the best temperament, but someone will die for this! A new poll shows I’m tied with Crooked Hillary in freakin’ Utah, with Evan McMullin close behind. How is that possible?

One reason may be that 94% of Utahns have watched or heard about my pussy-grabbing tape.I didn’t think 94% of Utahns knew where Utah was. This may all be the fault of that snotwaffler, Mitt “Choker” Romney. Mr. 47 Percent hates me because I have allegedly made more money than he has. Who knows, maybe the Mormons are mad because I wasn’t married to my three wives at the same time (although there was some overlap, if you catch my drift). Holy blowout, Utah hasn’t gone Democratic since Goldwater was the GOP nominee and I haven’t felt this bad since the Today show said “You’re fired” to Billy Bush. (Oh, that just happened. Never mind.)

Gov. Paul LePage of Maine says “we need a Donald Trump to show some authoritarian power in our country and bring back the rule of law.” Yeah, Baby DonDon, yeah! Gov. LePage is widely regarded as a vicious racist loon but I am grateful for his support. If I lose I would consider offering him a talk show on my new Trump Don’t Think Twice It’s Alt-Right Network.

Yesterday I tweeted that “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” Before I was trying to burn down the house with a single match. Now I’m using a flamethrower! This is the new Emancipation Proclamation, folks, and I am the new Abraham Lincoln!

Devoted Baby DonDon followers, answer me this: Why is Utah even a state? If it weren’t, would we miss it? (I mean, Mormonism is like the Trump University of religions. Oh, oops. I apologize if anyone was fuckin’ offended.) I wonder how much Utah would fetch in a sale.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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