Play Nice, Vlad

trump, Vladimir Putin

brokebacktrump_brokeback

September 9, 2016

So two things have happened since the Commander-in-Chief Forum Wednesday night. First, people are killing me over the nice things I said about Vladdy Putin. They’re hammering me for saying, “If he says great things about me, I’m going to say great things about him.” Some are even questioning where my real loyalty lies. (My advice: follow the money.)

But then my staff finally got me to pay attention to something Putin said in June. A Politico story headlined “Putin denies calling Trump ‘brilliant’” said the word Vlad the Not So Magnificent used suggested I was “colorful” or “flamboyant” or even a “bright shiny object.”

What? What? No, no, no, no, no! The man said I was brilliant. That’s what I’ve told everybody and this has determined my foreign policy. Well, now the bootie is on the other foot, says Baby DonDon. Okay, Vlad the Bad, I’m giving you an ultimatum. Either tell the world you really meant “brilliant” or our bromance is over. And you don’t want it to be over because if it is I will tell the world you are a real nancy boy and that your hairless man boobs remind me of some sets I’ve seen at Hooters. You want to keep Crimea? You have one day, tops.

Is Baby DonDon the negotiator or what?

Then there was the horrible Washington Post-Apocalypse story yesterday about the “collapse” of my D.C. policy shop. They quoted one anonymous loser as saying “It’s a complete disaster. They use and abuse people. The policy office fell apart in August when the promised checks weren’t delivered.”

Oh, boo-hoo. Crybaby. Whiny, wimpy douchewaffle. So I promised people money and then stiffed them. This is news? How do you think I won the coveted Stiffie, the lifetime achievement award from the International Association of Real Estate Moguls? Remember, the quickest way to double your profits is to shaft half your contractors. Is Crooked Hillary man enough to do this? I don’t think so.

Finally, there is this. Yesterday I referred to myself as a “scambag” and I thought I was inventing a new term. But someone beat me to it. Folks, I want to find an original noun that captures my essence. Below are five choices. I need your help here. Remember, vote early and vote often—unless you are African-American or Hispanic.

*Scamburger

*Scambagger

*Scamboni

*Scambunny

*Scamlord

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Andrew Feinberg

Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.
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