I Reduced Them All to Rubble


September 8, 2016

Did you see Baby DonDon last night at the Commander-in-Chief forum? Was I awesome or what?

I shlonged Hillary but good. She’s a total mess and it’ll take her weeks to recover. And I shlonged that disaster-in-chief Obama, who wasn’t a good enough basketball player to make it in the NBA so he had to over-compensate and become president instead. I told everyone that Vlad the Magnificent is a far better leader. Shlong! And then I reshlonged Obama by saying I could tell from the body language of my classified briefers that they thought he was a wimp. And then I ultrashlonged our generals. I said the cowards had been “reduced to rubble,” whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. “You’re fired” is what I’d tell those lowlife losers and I’d replace them with Ivanka and my sons Uday and Qusay. And I supershlonged Matt Lauer by lying right to his face about being opposed to our military action in Iraq and Libya—and Matt just rolled over like a little doggie and took it. Spineless weasel. And bald, too. What’s with that?

Hey, Matt, you know what I say: If you’re not lyin’, you’re dyin’.

And then I casually shlonged the women in the military without even trying to, but that’s okay, they’re women, they’re abuse-tolerant.

Baby DonDon is the shlongmeister! What a great night!

Crooked Hillary and I both caught a break this morning when Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson screwed the pooch on Morning Joe. (Hey, I thought that was Joe’s job.) After being asked what he would do about the Syrian city of Aleppo, Johnson said, “And, what is a leppo?” Mike Barnicle told him. Bye bye, Gary. You know, those self-shlongings are really the worst.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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