October 19, 2016
So yesterday I sat down for an interview with Andrew Feinberg, who said he worked for Breitbart.com. But look closely at his questions. Do they sound like Breitbart to you? I don’t think so.
Question: Hello, Mr. Potential, if highly unlikely, President. It is almost an honor to meet you. Sir, if you get this job for which you are groping, do you realize that your staff will frequently give you large briefing books and expect you to read them? You may have to learn about internal political battles in Togo or tidal destruction in the Maldives. Given that even your fawning, rabid surrogates contend you have the attention span of a gnat, how would you handle this daily tsunami of information?
Answer: Hey, you’re not going to put the word “groping” and crap about climate change in every question, are you? Okay, good. Well, there must still be CliffsNotes, yes? God, I hope so. And isn’t there a service called Tweetbriefs? Can’t I just watch the shows?
Q: Sir, the election is just weeks away and your chances of prevailing seem dismal. (Actually, everything seems dismal. You are always in my thoughts. Therapy provides no relief.) You once said you might quit the race for $5 billion. Would you quit now for $3 billion?
A: Not $5 billion? I was hoping for $5 billion. That’s the number they mentioned. Five large.
- We are negotiating.
A: $4 billion?
Q: Okay, $4 billion.
A: Tax-free? With fried food for life?
Q: We’ll get back to you. Sir, experts predict that if you are elected, the odds are high that your egregiously annoying son Don Jr. would be convicted of war crimes and sentenced to life in prison at Leavenworth. Your response?
A: Leavenworth is in Kansas, right? That’s tough. I don’t own property in Kansas so I wouldn’t normally go there. And, unfortunately, Kansas is Kansas. Could Don Jr. be relocated to a federal facility near Mar-a-Lago?
Q: Sir, I ask this with great reluctance. With tempers inflamed and many of your supporters calling for violence, what would you do, if elected, to bring our nation together?
A: Am I allowed to impose martial law during the Inaugural Address? I can do that, right? I’d be the freakin’ president.
Q: Sir, what is your favorite Amendment?
A: Oh, the Second Amendment is the best. That’s why it’s second, right?
Q: Sir, your children were lavishly praised for their polished, reptilian performances at the Republican Convention but since then their proclivity for alt-right memes, Holocaust quips, gender insensitivity and staggering lies has caused their popularity to wane. Care to comment?
A: Well, Don Jr. has become very irritating and, as you said, he is likely to be voted off the island. I’ve told Eric to go easy on the Hitler Youth shout-outs, but we’ll see. Finally, beautiful Ivanka has learned to lie well, really well, and I’m so proud of that. And, obviously, she’s still a piece of ass.
Q: Sir, many people predict that, if elected, you will be judged our worst president ever, ranked even lower than James Buchanan, Franklin Pierce, Warren G. Harding and George W. Bush. Historians view you as delusional, thin-skinned and as volatile as a home-brewed batch of nitroglycerin. They think you might easily cause a nuclear conflagration that could kill 50 million Americans, with severe damage or disfigurement to 20 or 30 million more. Your response?
A: Ah, hmmm. So, afterwards, how do Melania’s breasts look?
Q: Finally, sir, do you have questions for us?
A: Just one. Is the Constitution binding? I mean, some say it’s a living document, so what the hell? Isn’t it just like any other contract you can break when you want and turn things over to your killer lawyers and threaten the other party with protracted, even Dickensian, litigation? Wait, wait, where are you running? Aren’t you going to answer me? I thought we had a deal.