Bad News for Young Reptiles


October 20, 2016

Earlier this week, Steve Schmidt of MSNBC said “The magnitude of the electoral catastrophe for Republicans that is upon them just really can’t be overstated.” And that was before last night’s debate.

Now Schmidt and others on both sides of the aisle say my refusal to promise I’ll accept the election results is beyond the pale.

But I’m orange, so what’s this stuff about “pale”? Hey, at least pale is white, so isn’t that a plus for me and my base?

Rick Wilson, who is backing that McMuffin guy, says Republicans need me like “they need herpes!” Hey, as I’ve said, avoiding STDs was my Vietnam, so I have sacrificed. Half my net worth went up in condoms.

I didn’t know any of those women who accused me of sexual misconduct, even the ones I did know like the People magazine reporter and the Apprentice contestant. Folks, you believe me, don’t you?

Steve Bannon is thrilled that I am intent on destroying our democracy, but my reptilian children—Ivanka, Uday and Qusay—are not. They told me after the debate that what I destroyed was their hopes for elected office.

“Christ, Dad, now I’ll just have to concentrate on cheating our investors and vendors,” Uday said.

I guess that now goes for Baby DonDon too. Want to invest in a new TV channel?

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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