Fear Me Bigly


October 18, 2016

Once again, devoted disciples, I will tell you my three-pronged debate strategy in advance.

Prong one: I will make off-the-wall charges—Hillary is on drugs, she and her advisers are lizard people, etc.—in the desperate hope that something will unnerve her. I know this won’t work but the base will thank me for doing it.

Prong two: I will speak incessantly about this being a “rigged” election and will encourage supporters to respond violently—but not too violently—to my defeat. My sons Uday and Qusay—both hunters—have convinced me to adopt the hunting season approach to electoral violence. My supporters will each be allowed to bag two Hillary voters, but only two. Ever the statesman, I am preaching restraint here. David Clarke, my unhinged supporter who, amazingly enough, is the Milwaukee county sheriff, has said this is “pitchforks and torches time.” Again, I advocate restraint. If you carry a pitchfork, you may not carry a torch. And vice versa.

Prong three: I see the debate as a 90-minute infomercial for the Trump brand, which is getting a good schlonging from voters, that I can tell you. (And from consumers. Foursquare just reported that bookings at my hotels fell another 16.5% in September.) So while Hillary prattles on about taxes, human decency and the rights of minorities, I will discuss the fabulous amenities of my hotels and golf courses. And I will tell viewers to look for the new Trump Channel after the election. Our lead story every night: how the lizard people and Billy Bush stole the election.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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