Oh, Mar-a-Lago, My Mar-a-Lago!


October 6, 2016

Oh, this is so monumentally unfair! Not only am I falling further behind in the polls by the hour, but now Hurricane Matthew is bearing down on Palm Beach, which means it might smash Mar-a-Lago, mecca for obnoxious rich people and my second home! And it could kick the crap out of Trump International, the great West Palm Beach golf course. With gusts up to 175 mph, the storm could lift poor people from West Palm Beach, fly them through the air and then smash them against the beautiful walls of Mar-a-Lago. Dozens and dozens of people. Oh, my beautiful architecture! Can you imagine what the cleanup would be like? Disgusting. (Only consolation: most of them would probably be Hillary voters.)

Breathe, Baby DonDon, breathe. I’m still steamed that my effort to pander to Nevada voters went off the rails yesterday. I told them I knew it was pronounced Ne-VAHH-da. Just like my kids said it went they were there pandering for votes. But it turns out we’re wrong. It’s Ne-VAD-ah. How stupid can people be to pronounce it like that? Whole freakin’ state full of mouth breathers. No wonder we decided to store nuclear waste there. If I’m elected, I’ll change the pronunciation immediately to something less stupid.

Although I wouldn’t count on us carrying Ne-VAHH-da right now.

So, after the VP debate, everyone is telling me “Be more like Mike, be more like Mike.” Yeah, bite me.

Mike lied his ass off, but he did it with avuncular charm, they say. Do it that way. Okay, okay. “Hey, little nieces and nephews, sit down and shut up or I’ll beat you like a rented mule.”

Avuncular enough for you?

In this morning’s New York End Times, some Republicans said that if I get schlonged again in Sunday’s debate, candidates for the House and Senate will abandon me. Oh yeah? Well, Baby DonDon will show his strength and I will abandon those cowards first! Yes, Baby DonDon. You da man, Baby DonDon.

Hey, Roger Ailes, can we get experts to say Hurricane Matthew is the work of ISIS? That would be super-helpful. They don’t have to be real experts. Fox News experts will do fine.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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