My Debate with Gary Johnson


October 7, 2016

Roger Ailes and Steve Bannon took me aside and said, “Baby DonDon, we have an idea.”

“Call me Mr. Baby DonDon.”

They said that because I suck at a one-on-one debate and show no desire to learn any facts (how should I know the feds want to store spent fuel rods at Yucca Mountain in the unpronounceable state of Nevada?), I should probably debate the one person in the race who knows less than I do—Gary “What’s a Leppo?” Johnson. And just to be safe, I should hold the debate at an undisclosed location—without Gary Johnson.

I love the idea. Johnson is at 7% in the polls and most of his supporters have no clue what he stands for. Some Bernie guys are backing him, which is crazy. Bernie wanted to turn us into Denmark. Johnson wants us to be like the Wild West with no marshal in town. Even I can tell the difference.

Here are excerpts from the debate:

Trump: “I am for law and order.”


Trump: “Oh, so you’re against both law AND order.”


Trump: “What’s a leppo?”


Trump: “You’re not a quick study, are you? Gary, I was against the war in Iraq.”


Trump: “Boy, is it fun to debate unopposed. I can just make up crap as I go along. Oh, you say I do that already? Yeah, but it’s a lot more fun when there isn’t a shrill harpy contradicting every other thing you say.”

So I massacred Johnson in the debate, which should improve my chances. But some things still bother me. The Washington Post-Apocalypse ran an editorial saying a President Trump could destroy the world economy. But they didn’t say I would make a fortune in the process, and I thought the omission was unfair.

Bloomberg pointed out that Hillary tweets twice as often as I do. Who knew? But, hey, mine get me in a lot more trouble, so there.

FiveThirtyEight said Crooked Hillary has almost three times as many field offices as I do and that I’ve set up fewer than Choker Romney. Christ, I’m surrounded by morons. What do I have to do, fire another bunch of losers? Meanwhile, I’ve sent Mike Pence, Mr. see-if-I-can-show-up-Mr.-Trump-at-a-debate, to do four rallies at Yucca Mountain. He seems steamed about it. Could it be that he knows what it is?



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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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