April 15, 2017
Folks, this was a tough call. On the one hand, Sean Spicer and I were grateful that Carter Page was named the Most Annoying Person in America. Spicey and I were tired of sharing the honor week after week. But Carter Page is so weird—I mean, half the time he seems to be confessing during his interviews—that we couldn’t just let him keep talking. He could say ANYTHING!
So, following my incredible, courageous, dick-waving success bombing Syria and dropping the Big Mother on Afghanistan, I decided to use some ordnance on Carter Page. Simply stated, he won’t be bothering you anymore. More to the point, he won’t be bothering Super Baby DonDon anymore.
I sent Carter’s family some flowers, a taco bowl and a sincere Sorry I Offed Your Relative card, but the family denied knowing who Carter Page was.