January 9, 2017
So, to help out my old pal, I granted an interview to Billy Bush for the pilot of his new show, Bushwhacked.
Here’s an excerpt:
Q: When will the lovely Melania make her first nude print appearance as First Lady?
A: Hustler has offered $15 million, $35 million if Ivanka joins in. The girls should do it, but I’m holding out for $50 million. I have to consider the dignity of the office.
Q: Foxy ladies. Tell me, is Ivanka as tasty as she looks?
A: She is like the tasting menu at Jean-Georges, which is in the Trump International on Central Park West. Can I help get you a table?
Q: Really, what’s wrong with Don Jr.?
A: Clearly, he’s not well. He’s vicious, but he brings no playful spirit to his malevolence the way his Dad does. We’re showing him lots of Pepe the Frog videos but they haven’t taken yet.
Q: Eric looks as if he just learned that all his pets were euthanized simultaneously. This happened, yes?
A: I wasn’t around much, so it could have happened. If it happened—and I’m not saying it did happen but it happened—then it’s clear Democrats were behind it. Do you know he established the Eric Trump Foundation to benefit other people? Where did I go wrong with this kid?
Q: I have no questions about Tiffany.
A: Neither do I.
Q: Ivanka’s husband, Jared Kushner, still calls you Mr. Trump. What’s with that?
A: Soon he’ll call me Mr. President. I just hired him today as a senior adviser. I don’t care about him so much, but having him on staff should let me see more of the delectable Ivanka.
Q: Naturally. So, Rick Perry. Do you think he looks smarter with glasses?
A: Smarter than what?
Q: Is it true you’ve asked Melania to begin referring to a part of your anatomy as the Washington Monument?
A: She will if she knows what’s good for her!
[The host and I then high-fived.]