January 10, 2017
So tonight the New York Times reports that the intelligence agency chiefs who briefed me last week mentioned some unsubstantiated reports that Russia had collected “compromising and salacious” information on Exalted Super Baby DonDon, including videos of me having sex with some exalted, super-hot prostitutes in a Moscow hotel in 2013.
I have two things to say. First, the tapes don’t exist. And you can trust me on this, because I have never lied to you and I will never lie to you.
Unless I feel like it. Or have no choice because I don’t know what else to say.
Second, I want to arrange a private screening of these non-existent tapes for Senator Marco Rubio so he can see how wrong he was to say those nasty, untrue things about the size of my hands.