New Lies


November 4, 2016

Baby DonDon Rules of Life Number 2: Some people tire of hearing the same old lies so be vigilant about shoveling new lies at them.

So yesterday I said Crooked Hillary will probably be indicted. That’s not true, but it’s hard to prove it’s not true. So it’s both a new lie and a good lie because no one can tell whether it’s true or not. My base will lap this stuff and my people will even skip their Klan meetings to be sure their votes get counted.

Yesterday I also said Crooked Hillary was “probably the most dishonest person” ever to run for president. This is both a lie and false modesty on my part. (You don’t get that from Baby DonDon often, do you?) Obviously, I am the biggest liar ever to seek the presidency. I’m proud of that, but I know it won’t help me to point that out. So I told a lie about lying. Very meta.

You’ve heard me praise my winning temperament, right? You know Baby DonDon has a great temperament, yes? Hello? I didn’t hear you say yes. If you don’t say yes I will hurt your family.

So my new line yesterday was, “I’m also honored to have the greatest temperament anybody has.” Not just winning, not just great, no, no, no. Baby DonDon has the best temperament of anybody this side of Kim Jong-un.

Well, maybe not. But I know people. If you tell them something you have is the best, they think, “Well it may not be the very best, but he wouldn’t say it was the best unless it was pretty good.”

It’s like the waiter in a New York Italian restaurant. They always tell you their veal is “the best in the city.” You don’t necessarily believe them, but you feel better about the veal anyway. Because no one would say that about the worst veal in the city.

People, please, please, please order the veal on November 8.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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