My Evil Twin


August 18, 2016

So Baby DonDon got his first national security briefing yesterday. We are in some savage shit—but I can’t talk about it. All I can say is that it’s Hillary’s fault.

I usually start each day by reading my press clippings. But today I read about Steve Bannon, my new campaign CEO. Boy, does he get people’s blood boiling. I love that about him. His motto for my campaign is Let Trump Be Trump Be Trump Be Trump. That’s right, we will quadruple down!!

Breitbart CEO Larry Solov called Steve “a huge piece of manpower,” which sounds like something I once said in a debate, referencing myself. A former Breitbart staffer said Steve was “extremely malicious and vindictive. He has an incredibly short temper and an even shorter attention span. A megalomaniac.”

And you wonder what I saw in the guy? This is the stuff of genius. Steverino!!

When Corey Lewandowski roughed up Breitbart reporter Michelle Fields, Bannon sided with Corey and not his own reporter even though he saw the videotape. Talk about balls. Talk about class. And the reporter quit. Good riddance.

Breitbart’s motto is “Honey badger don’t give a shit.” Breitbart is tough. Breitbart knows every Muslim is a potential terrorist. According to Bloomberg (screw you, Bloomberg, by the way), Breitbart is “a haven for people who think Fox News is too polite and restrained.”

And that’s great because we will broaden our appeal by targeting the Alt Right loons who think I’ve been too politically correct. Yes! Double down. Triple down.

Quadruple down!!

The Daily Beast said Steve “helped mainstream the ideas of white nationalists,” which is exactly what I’m trying to do without saying so. Steve will help me keep doing it without saying so. When the late Andrew Breitbart saw one of Steve’s movies, he said Steve was “the Leni Riefenstahl of the Tea Party.”

Could there be higher praise?

My only problem with Steve is that before he met me he thought Sarah Palin was the model anti-establishment politician. He made a good movie about her but, jeez, thank goodness Alaska is so far away. That woman gives me the heebie-jeebies. Standing behind her while she was giving a speech—if that’s what you call her whackjob word salad—almost made me understand how Cwis Cwistie feels when I’m doing all the talking and he’s standing there like a security guard.

Alaska may be too close for that woman. Hmm, maybe I should send her to Putin as a gift.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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