Hair, There and Everywhere

WeirdCaricutres-Donald-Trump-With-Poop-Hair-Style-Very-Funny-Picture (1)

August 17, 2016

Folks, Baby DonDon is having another bad hair day. It’s so humid my hair looks like crap.

Did you see my “law and order” speech last night? I called for the support of African-Americans and had the courage to do so in West Bend, Wisconsin, a city that is less than 1% African-American. I kept calling it Milwaukee. (Pretty smart, huh?) Roger Ailes, who is advising me even though I continue to DENY he is advising me, told me to go after the “looter” vote.

Why, Roger?

“Because that’s how you get the anti-looter vote.”

He is so smart, that Roger. It is so unfair what those 20 women have said about his sexually harassing them. You know what Roger looks like. What choice did he have?

So I just hired Steve Bannon to be my campaign CEO. He was head of Breitbart News, which publishes great conspiracy stories and tries to improve the self-esteem of white people. (Bannon is close to Sarah Palin, which is a little weird for someone who went to Harvard Business School, but I’m desperate.) Manafort was becoming a liability. Today the AP story has a story about him breaking lobbying laws. What are the odds that someone I call Paulie Walnuts would be involved in a crime?

Yesterday, Ezra Klein, a hater of Trump, wrote on Vox that the press is biased against Donald J. Trump. Yes! Yes! Yes! He said, “Trump’s tendency to spout wild, outlandish, easily disproven falsehoods and conspiracy theories has shredded any benefit of the doubt he ever got from the press.”

No! No! No! You see how unfair that is? That’s horrible. They are biased against conspiracy theories! But those are the only things I read.

Klein said BuzzFeed has told reporters it was fine to call me a “mendacious racist” on social media. And he quotes Brian Stelter, the CNN mook, as saying: “Trump has freed journalists from the handcuffs of false equivalence.”

Goddamn, false equivalence—the idea that one side can say the sky is blue, while I can claim it is orange, my favorite color—was like the only chance I had of winning this thing. What’ll I do now?

“Keep courting the looter vote,” Roger said with a smile.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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