Lies, Damned Lies and Really Bad Incompetent Freakin’ Stupid Lies


August 18, 2016

Another bad hair day, but never mind. Christ, I can hardly see my shoes.

You probably know about the godawful appearance of Michael Cohen, executive VP of the Trump Organization, on CNN yesterday. He violated several of our cardinal rules about lying.

First, he got caught. Second, he failed to obfuscate. Third, he failed to switch to a new lie to distract from the lie he got caught in. Here’s the transcript (sad):

CNN: You say it’s not a shakeup, but you guys are down.

Michael, the Idiot Boy: Says who?

CNN: Polls. Most of them. All of them.

Michael the Slow: Says who?

CNN: Polls. I just told you. I answered your question.

Michael the Painfully Slow: OK. Which polls?

CNN: All of them.

Michael the Dim Bulb: OK.

Michael, Michael, our brand is that we’re good at lying, that it’s second nature to us. You let me down, man. You acted like someone who’d never lied before. You never would have been made an exec VP if that had been the case. And you paused several times, leaving a lot of dead air that you could have filled with lies so wild and unexpected that the anchor grilling you wouldn’t have been sure they even were lies. (Those are my personal favorites.)

Next time, Michael, cite some nonexistent internal polls that have us up bigly. Say the other polls are rigged. Say the election is rigged. Say the interview is rigged.

The one thing you did right was to tweet afterwards that CNN’s reporting was “inaccurate and slanted.” And you didn’t get specific. Very smart.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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