Mr. 180


August 25, 2016

Can I pivot or what? You hear about my new immigration plan? Hey, I’m the freakin’ Statue of Liberty! “Give me your poor, your dirty, your sleazy . . . .” I’ll take almost anybody.

Screw the wall. It would have been depressing to build something so big without using any imported marble.

Some pinheads are saying my new plan is a lot like Jeb’s, Marco’s and Cruz the Ooze. Not true. Jeb’s had no energy. Marco’s was robotic. And Ted’s was full of LIES.

Mine is full of greatness. The greatest policy. The greatest pivot.

And now I’m really getting into Hillary’s head. First, I hired Steve Bannon, who’s a white supremacist—and then I directly court the blacks and fold like a cheap suit on immigration. She can’t possibly know what I’ll do next. Steve’s confused but I think Hillary’s back on Thorazine.

I’m going to keep messing with her. I’ll cite non-existent polls showing me ahead. She’ll squander assets in states where she doesn’t have a prayer. Oh, that’s what I’ve been doing? Well, I’ll get her to do it too.

Last night I called her a “bigot,” which is kind of funny coming from me. What’ll I do next, make fun of her hair? Whatever I do, I’ll try to baffle her.

Speaking of bigots, some people are jumping on me about Roger Ailes. Kellyanne denied last night that he’s associated with the campaign in any way, which is a lie but a very well executed one. In addition to the sexual harassment stuff, they attack Roger for using offensive language when referring to women, gays, blacks and Jews. Well, I’m not a gay Jewish black woman, so who cares?

First Amendment, First Amendment!

It’s not as good as the Second Amendment—which is so important for poll-watching—but it is a start.

The following two tabs change content below.
Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

Latest posts by Andrew Feinberg (see all)