There are Three Options, Baby, Three Options

3DDonald Trump 2 sm

August 24, 2016

Baby DonDon has a problem and maybe you can help. Many of you are still wondering about my goals. Me too.

I see three options. First, I could lose and set up a powerful alt-right TV network and political party with my buddy Steve Bannon. We’d make billions and I could be on TV two hours a day and also do rallies with dumb white guys until their cows come home. (I love the farmers!)

Second, I could win and try governing, which seems like a total pain in the ass, except that it could help my businesses. Of course, to win I’d have to get more votes from minorities and suburban women who don’t think I hate minorities. People ask: Baby DonDon, why have you turned down every speaking invitation from black groups? Answer: these black groups have lots of Negroes in them. These Negroes might come up to me and ask to rent or buy in one of my buildings. And that would be so awkward. My history as a birther hurts here. (I stole the idea from Breitbart.) If I apologized for that now, it would seem insincere. And even if that got me some African-American votes, it might cost me some white votes.

All of this becomes even trickier when you consider Breitbart’s content. They have a section called Black Crime. They run tons of stories about Crimes by Illegals. But they don’t cover White Crime. If your name is Whitey Bulger, Breitbart is fine with you, unless your partner is black, in which case Whitey, strangely enough, might be featured in Black Crime. Some people call this racist. I call it fair and unbalanced.

Option three is the most radical by far, and it is so cool I can’t wait to tell you. It touches all Baby DonDon’s hot buttons. Here, I win the election (I’m a winner! Yes! Trump! Trump! Trump!) but I sell the presidency for $20 billion. (Are you paying attention, Jeff Bezos?) Election law expert and antichrist contender Ben Ginsberg says this has never been litigated. But Ben says a sale between Election Day and the Inauguration might work. It’s not forbidden by the Constitution. After the Inauguration, Mike Pensacola would automatically become president if I took a powder.

No one wants that.

Well, this made me feel better. All these choices have something to recommend them. As I’ve been asking black people recently while addressing all-white audiences, “Yo, your life sucks. What have you got to lose by trying Trump?”

Baby DonDon doesn’t have much to lose any which way.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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