Lock Him Up, Lock Him Up!


August 8, 2016

When I finished David Cay Johnston’s The Making of Donald Trump, I felt lousy that he is such a hater of Donald Trump, but proud I had never been indicted. The author thinks that could have happened a whole bunch of times.

Before I tell you more about this vicious turdmaggot of a book, I want to make news. I will sue Mr. Johnston and his publisher for $6 trillion. I will settle for $4 trillion. (That’s the price I put on the branding value of being president.) If I get the $4 trillion, I will be the richest—and smartest—man in the world. And I will give $2 trillion to the American people.

Hail, Baby DonDon! Do I know how to make lemonade out of a lemon or what?

Early on, Johnston says Trump “has studied the conventions of journalists and displays more genius at exploiting them to his advantage than anyone else I have ever known.” Wow, he called me a genius, just like Vlad the Magnificent of Russia.

And he writes about scummy Spy magazine’s 1990 efforts to find the cheapest rich person in New York. The magazine sent $1.11 refund checks to 58 people and kept sending smaller and smaller checks to those who kept cashing them. Only Adnan Khashoggi and I cashed the checks for 13 cents. And you think Hillary sweats the details?

And then he drills me a new one about my hypocrisy. Noting that I slammed Hillary because Bill Clinton had a private meeting with Attorney General Loretta Lynch while his wife was under investigation by the FBI, he points out that the Donald J. Trump Foundation contributed $25,000 to the reelection campaign of Pam Bondi, the Florida attorney general investigating Trump University. (Trump! Trump! Trump!) She dropped the investigation. Bondi said her office had received only one complaint. But Johnston notes there were 8,491 pages of complaints. If Bondi were Hillary, I would say, “She lied.”

But she isn’t and I won’t. That may be the best $25,000 I ever spent.

Johnston finished his book before he could hear Bondi’s speech at my convention. She said, “I know Donald. And I am proud to know Donald. . . God bless America and God bless the Trump family.”

Listen up, Judge Curiel. That’s what an impartial investigator sounds like.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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