We All Have Heroes


August 8, 2016

Oh brother is Baby DonDon bummed. I’d rather listen to a Ted Cruz speech than hear some of what’s been said about be lately. I just finished David Cay Johnston’s The Making of Donald Trump and I hadn’t realized I was so talented at staying out of the slammer. More on that later.

Yesterday, Newt Gingrich said

my economic plan was crap, total fantasyland. This from you, my little Newt, a man who wants to be my consigliere? Why? And there was an article saying I was the biggest liar in the history of U.S. presidential campaigns. The historian Douglas Brinkley said, “There’s something psychologically warped with someone who sees no distinction between facts and fiction at all. The sign of crazy is when someone believes his own bullshit.”

So when the Monkees sang “I’m a Believer,” that was a bad thing?

Time to ask my mentors for some advice. Bernie, Bernie what should I do?

“Donnie, Donnie, never let them see you sweat. The only way to keep a good con going—and the one you’re running is the biggest one ever, and I say that with respect—is to act calm all the time and play hard to get. Remember, when you’re lying your ass off, it’s always one day a time. Also, don’t ever brag. Let others do the bragging for you.”

Thanks, Bernie. I was really with you until that last point. I hear you’re a real big shot in prison, the king of the hill, the BEST.

“They think I have stones the size of Bolivia. In here they’d respect you. You’d do really well. When do you get here?”

I’ll visit after the election. Now, what advice would my favorite president have for me?

“Donald, I’m not sure you’re always a big-picture guy. Why did you say the NFL had sent you a letter about the debate schedule when they hadn’t? The truth was going to come out and the lie would hurt you rather than help you. Why?”

I like to make up stories?

“So write a novel. You tell lies that people can check on in real time. Bad idea. Telling people you have a secret plan to end a war is a smart lie because if they ask about it you just tell them it’s secret. Tell people you have a secret plan to destroy ISIS. At least people wouldn’t immediately know you were full of shit the way they do now.”

You made quite a comeback for a guy who resigned the presidency. How?

“I focused on my strengths—the big international picture, Russia, China, etc. What’s your greatest strength?”

Saying I’m great. Believing my own BS.

“Have you considered therapy?”


“Maybe a little electroconvulsive, a cattle prod to the balls, something. Anything. People won’t believe you’ll be strong unless they believe you tell the truth at least sometimes. You can’t just be an empty suit.”

It’s Brioni.

“I was able to scare the crap out of people in 1968 because I had been scaring people about Communism for 22 years.”

I’m trying to scare people. I’m channeling you.

“But you’re mostly making people scared of you. They think you like nukes too much.”

I love them.

“You can’t love any weapons. You have to use them reluctantly. Consistently but reluctantly.”

I may have started a bromance with Vladimir Putin.

“That’s weird, but at least it’s big picture. But you’re doing it to help America?”

To help me. What’s good for me is good for America. No?

“Therapy, Donald, therapy. I wish I’d had some. And, to paraphrase Hamilton, ‘Lie less, smile more.’”

You saw Hamilton?

“I snuck in.”

You got in without paying?

“Yes. But eyes on the prize, Donald, eyes on the prize.”

How were your seats?

“And for God’s sake, stay on message! Please!”

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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