Determined to Catch Up to David Duke

susan_collins_asks_bush_to_tell_her_how_to_votefashion model Ivanka Trump




August 9, 2016

The billionaires I talked to loved my economic speech yesterday, and who knows more about money than billionaires? Pocahontas blasted it because I offered no tax breaks for phony Native Americans.

Alas, that’s about where the good news ends. More rigged polls are out. And last night, Senator Susan Collins of Maine published an op-ed in the Washington Post saying she wouldn’t vote for me. Look at the attached photos of Collins, Melania and Ivanka. (That’s Collins on top, then Ivanka, then Melania. No, it’s Collins, then Melania, then Ivanka. Wait, I’m confused. Never mind.) Notice any differences? What Collins lacks in the looks department she always made up for with availability, if you get my drift. She used to wear a neon pin in the Senate that flashed “Vacancy” when she was on the prowl. So you can believe what this slutmuffin has to say—or not. Your call.

Yesterday Baby DonDon also learned that David Duke, the former grand wizard of the KKK, was significantly outpolling me among African-Americans. Does that make any sense? Man, I’m friends with Mike Tyson and Don King. And I’m so down with the brothers it doesn’t even bother me that Mike was convicted of rape and Don of manslaughter. I mean, that’s what black people do, so doesn’t it say a lot about me that I accept it? Also, Don has been sued by almost everyone he ever represented, but, hey, almost everybody sues me, so I understand. The only awkward thing here is that Mike said Don “would kill his own mother for a dollar,” so I can’t have them visit at the same time.

And yesterday conservative Republicans finally found a candidate willing to join the race. Welcome Evan McMunchkin, you running pus machine. Evan went to Wharton—traitor—and used to work for Goldman Sachs and the CIA. He’s a Mormon and is determined to take Utah away from me, although my attacks on Mitt Romney seem to be doing a pretty good job of that already. Romney: world’s biggest choker! Romney: the reverse Heimlich maneuver. I wish McMunchkin lots of lots of luck and hope he doesn’t meet up with a horrible roadside accident while campaigning.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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