Let’s DisPence with That

February 26, 2017

Oh, Super Baby DonDon, he’s out of control! Oh, Super Baby DonDon, he’s bad for the Republican brand! Oh, who can save us?

Mike Pence.

Mike Pence???? That’s what you think.

Today, I called the asshats at the New York Times and, using a fabulous fake voice, said, “I am a House page. Mike Pence had sex with me.”

It’s true. Sure, you think Pence, the king of the gay-bashers, a whackjob Bible-spouting believer in gay conversion therapy, couldn’t possibly be gay. But he is. He’s a nancy boy.

I knew it when I picked him. When I saw pictures of his wife, I thought, “No straight guy would be married to that—even in Indiana. This man is not a pussygrabber.”

I picked Pence for veep because I have more dirt on him than the Russians have on me. (Well, close anyway.) But now Mr. Lavender Speedo is making noises to his buddies in the House he’s ready for the Oval should they give me the heave-ho. Well, they don’t know his secret. It’s time they did.

Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, but if my base thinks there is, who am I to judge?

Pretty soon, I will disPence with the veep and find someone who offers me better protection, someone like Rudy “That’s Not Really Foam Around My Mouth” Giuliani.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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