Ivanka Explained

September 6, 2017

So where has Super Baby DonDon been? Do you know how much energy it takes to make a truly horrible decision that ruins the lives of millions of people? I’ve been very busy and I’m a wreck.

But today I read a really vicious hit piece on Ivanka by Lindy West in New York Times. I must respond. In a presidential way, of course.

Lindy, you’re a dead woman.

You will die slowly and in great pain.

And soon. I know lots of neo-Nazis just aching to take you out. They owe me. And if they leave you in 23 pieces on the floor, I will pardon all of them. Boy, that pardon is some secret weapon.

Now, Lindy West is a very large woman, so she must be incredibly envious of Ivanka’s beauty, her chest ornaments, her poise and her thin, incompetent airhead cash-strapped husband Jared who sounds like an eight-year-old. The crux of the piece is that Ivanka has no influence with me.

Well, yeah. She keeps advocating things that will help lots of people but piss off my base. That’s stoopid. Super Baby DonDon can’t do that. My base loves me. My base will build statues of me in non-urban areas.

But what Ivanka is really pushing now is a pardon for Jared. Babe, be patient. First, you have to make sure that the little twerp has some serious memory lapses. After that, we’ll talk.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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