August 13, 2016
Yesterday in the great city of Altoona (what an armpit), I said, “The only way we could lose, in my opinion—I really mean this Pennsylvania—is if cheating goes on.” I said law enforcement must be vigilant to prevent people—and you know who they are—from voting five times.
Folks, the key civil rights issue of our time is that you have the right to see me elected. There are sinister, un-American, Kenyan forces trying to prevent this. I need you to help un-rig the election.
So here’s the deal: besides law enforcement, we’ll have There Will Be Blood brigades of Trump freedom fighters patrolling precincts in key states. My sons Uday and Qusay are crack shots and they will be posted in Philadelphia on Election Day but, even though they are Trumps (Trump! Trump! Trump!), there is only so much they can do.
We need 10,000 armed volunteers to work battleground states. All you have to do as people approach the polling place is ask who they intend to vote for. If they say anyone but me, you need to glare at them and gesture with your assault weapon. Then ask, as my friend Regis Philbin used to, “Is that your final answer?”
If you see someone coming to vote for a second, third or twelfth time, smack them in the face with your weapon. I will pay your legal expenses. Folks, this is like the second Revolutionary War. We have to fight for democracy!
To facilitate this, here’s what we’ll do. I know some who attend my rallies don’t have assault weapons. (Why?) At every rally from now on, we will give away assault rifles to anyone over 18 wearing a Make America Great Again cap. (Since this is a gift, there are no pesky background checks!) The Secret Service wusses won’t let us give you bullets, but we’ll mail them to you.
The guns will help enforce that other sacred civil right, the right to Make America Great Again. And if Crooked Hillary steals the election, the guns could be especially valuable in seeking a “recount.” Buying guns for you that are made in America is an investment in the future of America.
Together, my friends, we will take aim at the presidency. Thank you.