I Wish I Could Sleep!


August 12, 2016

It’s really hot here in Pennsylvania and Baby DonDon is having a bad hair day. I just learned that during the convention some Twitter users referred to my sons as Uday and Qusay. I don’t know what that means but it doesn’t seem very nice. Or fair.

I assume you know by now that my repeated references to President Barack Hussein Hussein Hussein Obama being the founder of ISIS were sarcastic. Yeah, it was just me, kidding again. A good one, no?

Oh, I wish I could sleep! I picked a boring, moron-filled place like Altoona for tonight’s rally hoping I could grab a nap.

Politico just did a big story on how Republican operatives are more convinced than Democrats that I will lose. Of my prospects, one Iowa Republican said: “Trump is underperforming so comprehensively across states and demographics it would take video evidence of a smiling Hillary drowning a litter of puppies while terrorists surrounded her with chants of ‘Death to America!’”

A Colorado Democrat said, “It’s possible the bar for Trump is so low that he can be declared the winner in the debates by simply not saying anything batshit crazy.”

Hey, I can do that! Maybe. If I could get some freakin’ sleep.

The Wall Street Journal has an online story saying Shrillary has opened up huge leads in Colorado and Virginia, and a big one in North Carolina. In Colorado she has 91% of the Democratic vote, but I only have 79% of Republicans. Look, you freakin’ wimps, fall in line like you’re supposed to or Baby DonDon will nuke your families!


Look, I’ve had a bad week, what with all the sarcasm and all. “Uday, Qusay, come here boys.”


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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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