So I’m hearing some of you on the wrong side of my landslide will skip my inaugural address. You may be busy getting a golden shower at that time or driving a small contractor into bankruptcy. I understand. Here’s what you’ll miss:
After arriving at the Capitol on horseback, I’ll open with a real grabber:
“Nostrovia! Folks, it’s ass-kicking time in America! And I am just the ass to do some kicking!
“Death to our enemies, foreign and domestic. Slow, painful death. I will establish a new Cabinet-level department—the Department of Vengeance.”
After announcing the formation of a search committee to find Mitch McConnell’s chin, I will say something Lincoln should have said but didn’t. Ditto Jefferson, Reagan and JFK (boy, do I have big boxers to fill there). I will show everyone how I’m an improvement on each one. Are you sure you don’t want to see this live?
Next, I will say something true.
“The murder rate is the highest EVER in our nation’s history. On my watch, the murder rate will go WAY down. Or else people will be shot.
“Under Obama, the economy has been in the toilet. And not just any toilet. I’m talking a toilet you see at a disgusting gas station in the middle of nowhere whose owner says, ‘I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.’
“Donald J. Trump will spruce up that toilet like nobody’s business. Carrara marble everywhere, even the toilet. Heated, vibrating Carrara marble. It will be beautiful.
“It’s a movement, people. And a movement should have a doctrine, so here’s the Trump Doctrine: If I said it, it is true.”
Next, pandering. In a shout out to African Americans, I’ll recognize Dr. Ben “I’ll Have the Fruit Salad” Carson. When I praise Latinos, I’ll welcome defrocked Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who’ll be able to tell quickly if any Latinos are actually in attendance. When I salute women for their innate grabability, I will ask Hillary Clinton to rise. My loyal followers may start chanting, but I will silence them after three minutes and 47 seconds.
Finally, I will open my huge heart—my doctor says it’s the best heart he’s ever seen—to America’s Muslims. “Muslims, my message is clear. Be peaceful, sign the register and leave as quickly as possible.”
I will conclude with a generalized threat. “Know this, my enemies: I always get even. I think, therefore I retaliate. Who said that? Voltaire? Descartes? Jerry Lewis? Hey, I don’t know and you don’t care. We’ve been led for too long by weaklings who know the answer to that question.”
You’re really not going to watch any of this?