In the Hood with Dr. Fruit Salad


September 3, 2016

What a day! Baby DonDon got to tour Detroit with Dr. Fruit Salad himself, Ben Carson. We visited Ben’s childhood home, which is not exactly a Trump property, if you catch my meaning. First of all, there were black people living in it. What’s up with that?

Oh right, I’m in Detroit. I was trying to forget.

Earlier, I told people in a black church that I wanted to fulfill Lincoln’s legacy. Instead of freeing the blacks, though, I want to liberate white real estate moguls. Folks, white real estate moguls are a much maligned group, but they are really terrific, terrific people, even better than Hispanics and the blacks, and you know how much I love those two groups. (All my real estate buddies agree, though, if you want a good gardener, go Mexican. They are the best.)

This helps explain my totally bonkers tax plan. First, by eliminating the estate tax, I’ll save $4 billion for my family and even more for the families of some of my moguloid friends. In addition, according to James Stewart in yesterday’s New York End Times, my plan would give more than a trillion dollars in additional tax breaks to real estate moguls over the next decade. How cool is that?

So while Baby DonDon is touring the Detroit ghetto, I’m thinking that getting elected president could be the shrewdest business move ever. Jeez, you get to mess around with the tax codes, which is almost as much fun as messing around with the nuclear codes, but much, much more profitable.

If there is any money left over, damn straight I will help Detroit and other hell holes. But first things first. If you’re ever confused about my plans, just remember my slogan. My life matters.

I am Baby DonDon and you, I believe, are not.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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