I Am So Honored


August 12, 2016

Wow, what a surprise. Yesterday I said that President Barack Hussein Obama deserved the most valuable player award from ISIS. Little did I know that in the next 24 hours I, Baby DonDon, would receive many significant awards.

The International Association of Real Estate Moguls honored me with its lifetime achievement award for stiffing small contractors—the prestigious Stiffie. I used to think that hoodwinking and destroying small businesses was reward enough, but now I realize something greater was at stake. (But, seriously, shouldn’t the trophy be bigger?)

The American Association of Electricians will honor me with its coveted Toolbag of the Year award and I will also receive the Friars Club Insulter of the Year award—known as The Rickles—and that will come with a presentation from my dear friend Don Rickles, who is still touring at age 90 even though he looks horrible and has at least one foot in the grave.

But it’s the Stiffie that sums up my life’s work. Did you know that contractors have hit me with 23 liens over my renovation of Doral? Yeah, and this one company, The Paint Spot, sued me for $34,863.92 and they spent $300,000 on legal fees in a two-year period. In May I lost the case and, not only did the judge order me to pay The Paint Spot’s legal fees, but he said that if I didn’t pay quickly he would force Doral into a foreclosure sale. The judge’s name was Jorge Cueto. Like I had a snowball’s chance in hell with him.

Trust me, I will run the government like a business and we won’t pay our bills until we are sued. You’ll see, the deficit will shrink overnight.

God Bless America.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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