I Lied

June 24, 2017

So I lied when I warned Comey about the non-existent “tapes.” Sorry to shock you, my faithful followers. I just did that to mess with Comey—that choirboy asshat—and to make him look guilty. Oh, and to influence his testimony.

And now I’m hearing that’s a crime called witness tampering? Well, okay, I can explain. I lied when I said I was trying to influence his testimony. The previous paragraph is a lie.

So the two lies cancel each other out like a double negative and that means I’m innocent, right?

Glad we have that cleared up. Super Baby DonDon fans, I will never lie to you.

Oopsie. That last sentence was a lie. So now we’re okay again, right?

It’s a witch hunt!

Oh crap, I lied again. But I am man enough to admit it.

No, usually I don’t admit it. So that was another lie.

Oh, this self-fact-checking is murder! How do other professional liars keep track of all their lies? Maybe that will be my next mega-bestseller. Want it to be published while I’m still president. Better hurry, Super Baby DonDon, better hurry.

But, wait, I’m going to finish my term.

You lie, Baby DonDon, you lie!

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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