How Do You Say “The Negotiator” in Russian?

 July 11, 2017

My lawyer has told me to get out in front of this story, so here goes. Mr. Mueller, here is what I propose:

On a silver platter complete with documents and “tapes,” I will hand you my sons (Don Jr., Eric and Barron), Melania (this is what you get for swatting my hand away, you Slovenian trollop), Jared (hey, Squeal-Like-a-Pig, that high squeaky voice ought to go over real well in prison), Mike Pence (how do you feel about dining alone with a man named Crusher?), Manafort, Flynn, Carter Page (keep smiling, Carter, heh heh), Roger Stone, Sean Spicer, Kellyanne Conway/Sarah Huckabee Sanders (oh, this twofer ought to so popular that maybe, post-resignation, I could mount the ultimate comeback and win in 2020!) and everyone named Steve.

Oh yeah, and Tiffany.

What do I want? Ivanka, Mar-a-Lago and a cybersecurity partnership with Russia. Oh, and my money. Send my money to Mar-a-Lago and I will follow it.

And, people, always remember: the most important virtue in business and politics is loyalty.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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