Target Practice

July 7, 2016

So Baby DonDon learned yesterday that Greg Evers, the Republican candidate for the 1st Congressional District in Florida, is my kind of man. Evers is hosting a “Full-Auto Fundraiser” on July 23 at the Pensacola Indoor Shooting Range. If you give $2,700, you get to shoot six machine guns at simulated terrorist targets. For $1,500, you get to try four machine guns. Give $500 and you can try two guns. I think it’s so great this is occurring in Florida so soon after the Orlando tragedy because if just one person at the Fusion bar had had an AR-15 or a few machine guns sitting alongside his Mojito, the massacre would never have happened.

If I ran a bar, I’d let people drink free if they came in with a machine gun. (If they pointed it at me, I guess I’d have to.)

Evers represents the fresh blood we need to make America great again, but he has many enemies. Last month he organized an AR-15 giveaway through his Facebook page. Amazingly, the Facebook douchenuggets removed the promotion. Mark Zuckerberg, you mean news-filtering turdmaggot, you are now on my poopy list.

All this has given Baby DonDon a very big, bold idea. I will fund my entire campaign by auctioning off a nuclear weapon for $1 billion or more. I will just gather up a bunch of like-minded people—red-blooded Americans like Ron Perelman, Larry Ellison, Peter Thiel and Mark Cuban, you know, billionaires with anger management issues—and we’ll give it a go. Reince Priebus of the RNC said the idea was “deranged but cool.” Thanks, Reince.

My BFF, Cwis Cwistie., is also behind it. “Right, Cwis?”

“Right, DonDon. You da man.”

The governor of New Jersey, and he is one tough guy, so tough he once put my son-in-law’s father in jail, comes by every day just to say, “DonDon, you da man.” It’s kinda nice.

But then there’s that awful Shrillary Clinton who invaded New Jersey yesterday. She pointed to a fading “Trump Plaza” sign in Atlantic City and told nasty lies about me. It was so unfair. Madame Secretary, may I suggest where you can put that “Trump Plaza” sign?

And one more thing that’s got my diaper in a twist. This ridiculous Star of David controversy refuses to die even though I did a great job yesterday of pointing out that the racists and anti-Semites are the people bothered by a star floating above huge piles of money. It’s all their fault. Don’t those ass goblins realize that my daughter Ivanka is Jewish and her children are Jewish? I love the Jews almost as much as I love the Hispanics.


Huevos rancheros.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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