Hey, I Found My African-American!


August 20, 2016

 Oh, it’s just Ben Carson. Never mind.

Baby DonDon is getting a little nervous about Trump Revealed, the book by a flock of Washington Post-Apocalypse reporters that comes out Tuesday. It is a vanity project of Amazon founder and Washington Post-Apocalypse owner Jeff Bezos—who is a real hater of Donald Trump and I hate him back 10 times more, you snotwaddler—and may be the last book before the election that could say my Dad was in the Klan.

In The Making of Donald Trump, David Cay Johnston said Dad’s arrest in 1927 at a Klan rally in the Jamaica section of Queens showed his lifelong “racial enmity” to blacks but stopped short of saying he was wearing a robe when he was arrested. Johnston calls me a liar for saying the event never happened and that Dad never lived at the Queens address the newspapers obtained from police records.

Hey Johnston, you asswipe, don’t get too cocky. Catching me in a lie isn’t exactly Higgs boson level work. It’s not going to get you another Pulitzer.

Yeah, Dad told me not to rent to blacks and, had he been alive, he would have told me to ride that birther story for all it was worth. But now, after I carried on like an unhinged racist for years whenever I discussed President Obama and said his election and re-election were frauds, I want you to meet the new Nixon. No, I mean the new TRUMP. (Roger Ailes has me confused.) Trump! Trump! Trump!

The new Trump thinks he deserves over 1% of the African-American vote, as I said in two speeches last week in cities that were 1% black. In Dimondale, Michigan I even said that in 2020 I would get 95% of the African-American vote. Wow! I really said that? Can a whole race get Alzheimer’s?

People should know I have lots of black friends and they fall into four categories. Famous rich convicted felons (Mike Tyson, Don King), famous rich folks guilty of misdemeanors (Dennis Rodman), famous rich people like Sean Combs who have been indicted but not convicted and then people like me who have never been indicted but, hey, there’s still time.  Here’s a shout-out to famous rich black people everywhere. Oprah! Eddie Murphy! Michael Jordan! LeBron James! Come on, board the Trump train. What have you got to lose? Okay, your souls, but what else?

After I issued my regret-but-no-apology apology this week, I told the crowd that “I will always tell you the truth.” There’s been some pushback and a lot of chuckling by the media on that point, so I want to amend what I said. Our new policy: a few things the new Trump says may accidentally be true sometimes.

Or not. Thank you.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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