Do I Want to Win?



August 16, 2016

So people are wondering: do I really want this presidency job? Obviously, the pay sucks. $400,000 a year? I spend that much on hairspray.

Baby DonDon is confused. The primaries were so much fun! I got to lie and give ridiculously simplistic answers and—best of all—I got to insult people all the time and I got rewarded for it. What a rush. Look what happened to my opponents:

Jeb Bush. Dead.

Carly Fiorina. Dead.

Marco Rubio. Dead.

Ted Cruz. Tried to put a stake through his heart but couldn’t find it. So he’s sort of dead.

In the primary, nobody laid a glove on me, but now everyone’s ganging up, being mean and so UNFAIR. Madam LockHerUp, Obama, Joe Biden, Pocahontas and Bernie Sanders are all out to hurt Baby DonDon’s feelings and keep him from playing with the U.S. Constitution. They call me unfit. When I was a reality TV star and a lying, cheating real estate developer who stiffed everyone he could, no one called me unfit.

And then there’s the disgusting scumtwaddling media. The media say I’m campaigning in states I can’t win, I’m doing no advertising while Crooked Hillary is busy labeling me as a heartless sleazebag, I’ve been slow to open offices in battleground states, I have almost no staff and I seem uninterested in policy. Hey, do you want to spend 23 hours reading about the Trans-Pacific Partnership? It’s a big trade deal negotiated by Obama. By definition, it sucks. Who has to read it?

Hey, people have treated me with deference for over 40 years and now everyone thinks I’m a piñata. The only things that make me feel good are the great screaming crowds of angry white people and coming home to Melania who always greets me at the door with, “You da man, Baby DonDon! You are so brave.”

And then there’s the job itself. It might not be as easy as I thought. When my sons Uday and Qusay told Kasich that if he were my vice president, he could be in charge of foreign and domestic policy, I thought that would allow me to focus on just the big picture stuff, like what color marble to use in an embassy. But now I have Mike Pennsylvania and I’m not sure I’d let him be in charge of a golf cart.

But speaking of winning, I am very proud that I just won the Golden Throne Award from the Real Estate Council to Unhinge Mexicans, better known as RECTUM. And the throne blends perfectly with the décor of my apartment and my plane.


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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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