Ivanka and Putin


August 16, 2016

Did you catch Rudy Giuliani’s great history rewrite yesterday? He said there had been no Islamic terrorist attacks in America until Barack Hussein Hussein Hussein Obama and Secretary LockHerUp! got into office! Rudy not recalling 9/11 isn’t like a parent forgetting the name of his child. It’s like forgetting he has children altogether.

Wow, can that man lie or what? The greatest example of flattery is someone willing to lie his ass off to help you. Paulie Walnuts does this all the time. They ask him if our campaign had anything to do with changing the Republican platform so the U.S. wouldn’t support lethal force by the Ukraine against Russia and he reacts as if they had just asked him to name the mayor of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. “What? They have a mayor? I didn’t know that. Why?”

Paulie also said he got no off-the-books cash from Ukraine. The key word here is “cash.” In his U.S. home Paulie has at least 67,000 bottles of vodka. You are a sly one, Paulie. I can learn from you.

If I could learn from anyone.

Okay, time for sex and politics. See if you can follow along. Ivanka is vacationing in Croatia with her good friend Wendi Deng Murdoch, ex-wife of Rupert, the fake-news mogul. Wendi, people say, is now Putin’s girlfriend. Meanwhile, Rupert recently married Jerry Hall, Mick Jagger’s ex. And years ago I suggested I had had an affair with Carla Bruni, former girlfriend of Mick, even though I had only met her once. Howard Stern, my Boswell, asked me for lurid details and, being a gentleman who never brags about anything, I refused to divulge any. It helped that I knew as much about Carla Bruni in bed as I do about the mayor of Truth or Consequences.

Since Ivanka is in Eastern Europe anyway, will she meet with Putin to discuss campaign strategy? As a gentleman, Baby DonDon’s lips are sealed. You’d need some extreme vetting to get the answer from me.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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