August 11, 2016
So today TIME, the birdcage-liner magazine whose time will soon end, is out with its worst cover ever. The headline is “Meltdown” and it shows me with a melting face.
Now, look, fans of Baby DonDon, and why else would you be here if you didn’t tremble before my greatness: my face has never melted. Never. For saying it has, I am prepared to sue TIME for $4 trillion, one trillion for each stupid capitalized letter in its name. Unfortunately, nuclear retaliation is out because the magazine is headquartered near one of my buildings.
The article, a crockpot of lies, was written by Alex Hussein Altman, Phillip Hussein Elliott and Zeke Hussein Miller, all journo-terrorists out to stop me. They failed to see I am running a flawless campaign. And this I can tell you: anything that looks like a flaw is the dishonest media’s fault. Why don’t they look inside their own houses to see who has 10 cats without a litter box?
Yesterday, I went full whackjob and said President Barack Hussein Obama was the founder of ISIS and Hillary the co-founder. Then I doubled and tripled down. If someone says ISIS can trace its roots back to 1989, tell them they lie. If they say ISIS existed in a similar form in 2004 when W was president, tell them they lie bigly and may spend five years in my dissenters’ gulag.
Are my surrogates great or what? Rudy Giuliani was terrific yesterday, denying that my obviously dangerous Second Amendment comments were dangerous. Want to know the kind of man Rudy is? Ask him to tell 10 lies and he tells 20. What a patriot.
He said, while yelling and doing an insane blind person’s Macarena, “Nothing to see here, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11. I will do for America what I did for New York. I mean, Donald will. Yes, Donald.”
You can fire questions at my surrogates all day and it’s like they’re wearing fact-repellent Kevlar. Nothing gets through. Not a single thing.