July 3, 2017
On Friday I’m going to meet one-on-one with Putin while the world holds its breath. Suggestion: stock up on adult diapers now! Gonna go down in history as the Topless Tussle!
And I have a secret advantage in the man boob category. Mine are bigger than his. I may have the hands of a three-year-old but I have huge man boobs and you know what they’re correlated with. I call them Joe and Mika because, well, they’re boobs. But Christ, looking in the mirror I’m starting to remind myself of Dolly Parton.
Which brings me to Chris Christie, whose man boobs are sagging worse than his poll numbers. All New Jersey beaches were closed yesterday because of a state government shutdown—but not if you were Chris Christie and his hideous, New Jersey gothic family. There are clear shots of Chris, his family and Chris’s man boobs frolicking on the beach.
In an attempt to outrun a helicopter news camera, Chris tripped over one of his boobs, fell down and almost drowned in the moat of sand castle. Sad. Bad.