We Did Nothing Wrong


July 19, 2016

Okay, you liberal fopdoodles, I can hear you gloating and high-fiving. Stop it!

Last night was going beautifully—we were scaring the holy crap out of everyone, even those who knew crime was down 50% in the last 25 years—and then this plagiarism kerfuffle comes up with Melania’s speech.

We’re playing by Trump/Roger Stone rules now. First, deny everything. There was no plagiarism. Then double down, triple down, fourple down and quadruple down. Then attack Hillary for spreading the nasty news about Melania. It’s Hillary’s fault!

But Paulie Walnuts told Charlie Rose this morning that Melania “knew what she was doing.” Paulie, remember the scene in Casino when they put the guy’s head in a vise and tighten it until his eye pops out? We’re thinking of focusing on a different part of your body.

I want to nuke someone, but it’s hard in this case. I don’t know the right target yet because Melania claimed to have written the speech. Second, we’re all staying at the same hotel, so a nuke would take out all of us. Paulie, Roger, can’t I just fire Mike Pence? (Melania was upset about the Pence choice, which is why she skipped the veep announcement. Firing Mike would make her happy and it would certainly change the narrative.)

Roger Stone said I should keep my eye on the prize and remember our campaign motto: It’s the Stupid People, Stupid.

For the moment, please, can we just focus on a few highlights from last night? Didn’t I tell you Scott Baio would kill? When he said “Let’s make America America again,” I got chills because he was using the dog-whistle even better than I sometimes do. While we’re at it, how about, “Let’s make Scott Baio Scott Baio again.” (I just read that he recently tweeted an image of Hillary with the “C” word behind her. After the convention, I promise, we’ll do some vetting of surrogates.)

Wild, ranting Rudy Giuliani went freakin’ nuts and nearly came out of his socks when he was screaming at the crowd. And Patricia Smith, the mother of one of the four people killed in Benghazi, called Hillary a murderer and said she should be “in stripes.” Fantastic.

And then some deep doodoo happened. Baby DonDon is praying that the American people are as dumb as Roger Stone thinks they are.

Folks, we will put this behind us. To quote Donald J. Trump, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. All things must pass. One is the loneliest number. You can’t always get what you want. I am not a crook.”

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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