January 3, 2016
Happy New Year! So I have a New Year’s resolution for the totally dishonest, scum-of-the-earth mainstream press. Starting on January 20, you will use only administration-approved language when describing the president of the United States. Otherwise you will face truly horrendous consequences, like being locked in a room with Kellyanne Conway for six hours.
To give you a head start, here are some approved words:
Large-loined Young Robert Redford
Wealthy 6’2” phallic symbol
Washington-surpassing Job creator
FDR-outsassing Pussy-grabber (hey, who put that in there?)
Winning Father of his country—and of Don Jr., Eric and the luscious Ivanka
Vindictive Asshole (again, people, who’s in charge of quality control on this project?)
Soon, we’ll release some approved adverbs and then we can all play a great game of Mad Libs together.