Watch Your Language!

January 3, 2016

Happy New Year! So I have a New Year’s resolution for the totally dishonest, scum-of-the-earth mainstream press. Starting on January 20, you will use only administration-approved language when describing the president of the United States. Otherwise you will face truly horrendous consequences, like being locked in a room with Kellyanne Conway for six hours.

To give you a head start, here are some approved words:

Adjective                                Noun

Beautifully-coiffed                 Studmuffin

Muscular                                Visionary

Large-loined                          Young Robert Redford

Putinesque                           Seer

Wealthy                                 6’2” phallic symbol

Wealthy-out-the-wazoo    Negotiator

Indefatigable                      Truth-teller

Eloquent                             Savior

Lincoln-outclassing          Foe-crusher

Washington-surpassing  Job creator

FDR-outsassing                Pussy-grabber (hey, who put that in there?)

Noble                                Leader

Stalwart                            Builder

Winning                           Father of his country—and of Don Jr., Eric and the luscious Ivanka

Vindictive                        Asshole (again, people, who’s in charge of quality control on this project?)

Soon, we’ll release some approved adverbs and then we can all play a great game of Mad Libs together.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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