The Wrath of Khan



July 31, 2016

Boy, these Muslims are a royal pain. I told my trusted adviser Paulie Walnuts that maybe the wall with Mexico should be built out of Muslims. You know, two birds, one stone. He said the idea was brilliant but probably ahead of its time.

So people are saying I stepped in it in responding to the Khan-man. Speaking with George Stephanopoulos, I wondered why Khan’s wife said nothing at the convention. Oh, afterwards she talked to the asswipe Lawrence O’Donnell and everyone under the sun and made me look bad. Hey, I was being nice to the poor woman. I didn’t say that on the looks scale she is a minus 1. Do you know how much restraint that took?

So then Khizr Khan said my comments about his wife meant I had no soul. Christ! I’ve got a freakin’ soul. I just seem to have misplaced it. That’s after he said to Lawrence of Asswipia that if I governed as I’ve campaigned, the country will face constitutional crises. Look, Khizr, the best way to remove the U.S. Constitution from your sphincter may be with a nuclear enema. To be administered soon, believe me.

And my guys didn’t prep me on how to answer George Acropolis’s questions about sacrifice. I said I had sacrificed a lot by working hard and creating lots of jobs. So Red State said, “Getting richer is a pretty big sacrifice, you guys. And only someone as great as Donald Trump is willing to make that sacrifice.”

So unfair. Red State, there will be blood.

This is a steaming, foul-smelling mess and it’s time to blame somebody. And that makes me think of my favorite Bible verse about assessing responsibility. It is from 2 Pomeranians and begins, “Thou art blameless, your servant is the asshole.” The Bible can be so comforting.

More unfair still is that some states important to my electoral math have large Muslim populations. Virginia is 2.7%, Michigan 1.2%, Florida .9% and Pennsylvania .6%. You think I could waterboard the Khans until they say something nice about me?

Just remember, Baby DonDon is relentless. The last time I said, “No more Mr. Nice Guy,” my Dad sent me to military school. But today, DonDon is da man, so there. The only people who can send me away are the voters.

Don’t you think some elections are too important to be left to the voters?

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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