I Thought You Loved the Counterpuncher


August 1, 2016

This is so unfair.

Baby DonDon is about to bust a gut about the monumental unfairness of it all. According to the New York Times, I have insulted 250 people and groups since I started my campaign. (Hey, Lyin’ Ted, are you out there? Yeah? Put a sock in it.) And it was always okay. No one had ever said what I said about John McCain, but it turned out fine. Not only did millions approve, even John McCain—come on, John, grow a spine—is supporting me now. (Although he attacked me today over the Khan-job. Loser.) Trashing Carly Fiorina’s face? Didn’t hurt with women. Probably helped with men. The “Mexican” judge? Some nasty comments, sure, but that didn’t stop me from taking the lead in the polls.

That’s why I feel so sandbagged to find that when I insult the Muslim parents of a dead war hero, people get upset. Really? Over one dead Muslim? Folks, I just don’t get it. Is this like the worst example of political correctness ever? (Dr. Ben Carson told me “the fruit salad may be past its ‘sell by’ date.” That guy should come with a translator.)

People, I thought you loved the tough Baby DonDon, the guy who took no poop from anyone, even the parents of a dead Muslim. But now there’s a backlash because I didn’t treat a Gold Star family with sufficient respect. Folks, my brand is attack-me-and-I-rip-out-your-intestines. Is there anyone who doesn’t understand that?

E.J. Dionne of what I like to call the Washington Toast, no friend of mine or of humanity, said I was “cruel and self-centered” during my appearance on ABC’s “This Week” with George Acropolis. He called me “corrupt and vile.” Hey, alert the media: “cruel and self-centered” and “corrupt and vile” was working great until now. What gives?

And now the billionaires are ganging up on me. Yesterday, Mark Cuban said, “Is there any bigger jagoff in the world than Donald Trump?”


Some say my pit-bull personality disqualifies me from the presidency. Liars! As I told George Acropolis, I have a great temperament. I am a winner. Shrillary is a loser. I am not the one whose intestines will be dumped on the pavement.

But what if I’m president and some leader insults me? I believe in diplomacy. First, you threaten to rip out the leader’s intestines. Then you threaten to do the same to his wife and children. Then you take his Uncle Stavros—an uncle no one really likes—out in an alley and rip out his intestines. This is a gesture of good faith and shows you are a serious person.

Hey, that’s the way New York real estate negotiations typically work.

America, you got squeamish over that Gold Star Muslim family. Enough. You need to man up. Hey, that should be my new campaign slogan. “Man Up with Baby DonDon!”

It’s 2016. My life matters.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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