The Biggest and the Best

fashion model Ivanka Trump

July 20, 2016

Today is the anniversary of the moon landing—allegedly—and Baby DonDon is over the moon with joy. Sort of. I am the Republican nominee for president! Holy crap. I need a diaper change. Is this an amazing country or what?

But we still have this plagiarism cloud over our heads. Frankly, I never thought it would be this bad because we lied about everything else before and people lapped it up. I think we’re the victim of a double standard. People used to like the liberties we took with the language—until now. Tell me, is that fair? I feel blindsided here.

The press suggests I haven’t fired the guilty party yet because he/she is a member of the family. Like that would stop me. Everyone is replaceable, including family. I love my son-in-law Jared, but I always wondered about his genes. His father is a slimeball who was sentenced to two years in prison. He hired a hooker to entrap his brother-in-law. Classy.

Baby DonDon is livid. I am tantrumizing big-time. If I have to eighty-six Jared, Ivanka will be upset for a while, but she’s such a piece of ass that she’ll be able to find a new husband soon. That I can tell you. And now she’s lactating, which is disgusting, except that it makes her tits bigger, probably bigger than any presidential daughter in history.

Firing Jared from the family will be seen as a sign of strength. Very Putinesque.

The slutbag New York Times has a story today about how the convention is freaking out the blacks. But we admire blacks so much we stole from Michelle Obama’s speech. Can Hillary say the same? No! Lock her up! Lock her up!

Attacking blacks from the podium is part of how we’re channeling Nixon’s law and order message. It’s supposed to get us white votes, not lose us black votes. Okay, Manafort: job one is to attack black people without making them feel they’re being attacked. We can do this. This is why we hired you.

My African American, Dr. Ben Carson, went off script last night and said Hillary admired Lucifer. It’s a good point. Lucifer is one of the few people with an approval rating lower than that of Congress.

Now the assbutt Huffington Post is saying Melania lied about having a college degree. Hey, Arianna, your husband left you for a man, like you should talk. Suitcase nuke, baby, suitcase nuke.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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