Scumbag in Chief


December 2, 2016

Did you catch Super Baby DonDon’s speech in Cincinnati last night, the first stop on my Screw You victory tour? It was great. If you were worried that after three and a half weeks off the trail I might have lost my talent for over-the-top lying and vile invective, well, no way José. (Also, goodbye José, if you know what I mean.)

I said I won “big,” which takes balls when you lost by millions of votes. Earlier in the week I tweeted that I won the Electoral College in a “landslide.” Not true. But I did win in a LIEslide, that I can tell you. So last night I condemned bigotry. Given that my top adviser, Steve Bannon, is a racist, that took some cojones too. I think I made it clear that I am determined to be the nation’s Scumbag in Chief. From now on, I will refer to my aides and appointees as the Baggettes.

More and more, people are comparing me to scandal-plagued Silvio Berlusconi, the billionaire prime minister of Italy. Well, maybe. Berlusconi sure liked the ladies—and the girls—and he did say Mussolini was a good leader. But people kept coming forward to accuse him of crimes and then testify against him. Anyone comes forward against me, they won’t get to testify, that I can tell you.

And, in a sign I am very sly or batshit crazy, I leaked yesterday I was considering both the current Exxon CEO, Rex Tillerson, and the former Exxon CEO, Lee Raymond, for secretary of state. Given that Exxon is under criminal investigation for lying about climate change, this took seven sets of balls. The brilliant thing, though, is that the lunatic right-wingers will now say “Maybe Mitt Romney isn’t so bad” and the mainstream Republicans will say “I guess there are actually people less qualified than Rudy Giuliani. Who knew?”

Finally, I announced that my secretary of defense would be a man nicknamed “Mad Dog.” Folks, the hits just keep on coming.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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