Real March Madness

March 19, 2017

So my farm team Goldman Sachs just issued this super-secret report on the stock market titled “We’re All Gonna Die!” They say they are bearish “because we have a lunatic in the White House.”

What?? Of all the ingratitude. And I’ve been so nice to you scum-suckers.

Anyway, they see only two potentially bullish events. First, a decline in the corporate tax rate, which could boost earnings by 7% to 9%. Second, the “impeachment and conviction of the president of the United States.” It says this would be “the most bullish event in the history of humanity. In fact, please hurry.”

This is insane! So far my regime has just been one success after another—just ask the idiot suck-ups on Fox and Friends. People didn’t know they hated Meals on Wheels until I told them so. Now Starve the Seniors clubs are opening all over the country.

Steve Bannon says we are going to need a really BIG distraction and the only possibilities are a nuclear confrontation with North Korea or with China.

“I’ll take North Korea for $100,” I said to Steve, as a true leader would. As fate would have it, I’m in the same Nuclear Destruction bracket this month as Kim Jong-un. In an email to him, I just gave him the nickname L’il Dong-un, so the nukes may start flying any minute now.

Don’t worry, people, I’ve got this. No one east of California is at risk. Can I get a pre-war chant of “USA! USA! USA!”?

No? How about “Move away, move away, move away!”

The following two tabs change content below.
Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

Latest posts by Andrew Feinberg (see all)