December 24, 2017
Can you believe that someone sent Steve “The Douche” Mnuchin a gift-wrapped box of horse manure for Christmas? Talk about the war against Christmas!
Speaking of that, I’ve got a special offer for you. If you join Mar-a-Lago today or tomorrow for $200,000 (up 100% since I became president, almost as much as the glorious STOCK MARKET), you will be eligible for tomorrow’s tremendous Christmas giveaway. I will be tossing dozens of jumbo paper towel rolls to my members!
Speaking of my member—oh, never mind.
The paper towels were originally supposed to be delivered to Puerto Rico, but screw ‘em. So many people there don’t have power or cell service, so it’s not as if they can complain.
Have a White Christmas, people, if you know what I mean.