Our New Slogan: My Life Matters


August 2, 2016

Baby DonDon still wants to make America great again, but we just supplemented that idea with a new slogan: My Life Matters.

Here’s the logic. First, Black Lives Matter is a terrorist group. Roger Stone says so. And All Lives Matter is fine, if a bit namby-pamby. But My Life Matters refers directly to how much my life means to you. So it is all about you. And me.

As a football coach might say, there is an “i” in America but there is no “i” in My or in Team. Join our movement and you are joining Team Me. And that is a great thing. It should go without saying there are two “i’s” in Hillary Clinton and not a single one in Donald J. Trump. And there is a “u” in You and three “u’s” in Yuuuge. Isn’t that fantastic?

Trump! Trump! Trump! USA! USA! USA! Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up!

I feel better now.

So Warren Buffett, another assholic billionaire (like what’s he ever done?), came out against me yesterday. Referencing the Khan-jobs, he asked, “Have you no sense of decency, sir?” Well, I would, but we are in the midst of such a horrible Obama/Clinton shitstorm there is no time for politically correct niceties.

Signs that the election is rigged keep pouring in. I am now trailing in the polls. How can that be, given that I told ABC’s George Acropolis I have run a “flawless” campaign? Well, it can’t be. The polls lie! They are rigged.

The most rigged is the one Gallup released yesterday saying 36% of the people who watched my convention were more likely to vote for me but 51% were less likely. That’s a reading of -15% and Gallup has seen no negative reading in its history of post-convention polling. Referencing the poll, MSNBC’s Rachel Snarkface said I would have been better off if I had not had a convention. Well, so who would have kept Scott Baio off the streets?

Also, two debates are scheduled opposite NFL games, famously watched by dumb white men and the women they are trying to get drunk. We just learned this. Actually, the information has been available for almost a year, but how is it our fault for not noticing? If the dates aren’t changed, we may punt.

Finally, a shout-out to Roger “Stones like Watermelons” Stone, who tweeted yesterday that Mr. Khan is a “Muslim Brotherhood agent helping Hillary.” Now, I can’t say such things because I’m supposed to have an iota of decency left, but isn’t it great to have surrogates who can?


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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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