December 25, 2016
Ho ho ho! Say “Merry Christmas” or I’ll put you in my first infrastructure project, the Trump Gulag. Super Baby DonDon is serious, people.
Did you see I’m going reduce my gargantuan conflicts of interest by 2 to 3%? First, I plan to dissolve my foundation, which I stopped funding in, like, middle school. But now the New York attorney general says I can’t close it because he may indict me first. Whatever. Hey, attorney general Schneiderman, did you ever play rock-paper-scissors? Think about it. Indict me and you’ll soon be living in a small “one bedroom” in the gulag. Presidential power, baby. There’s nothing like it.
And according to today’s New York Times, which the law of averages says has to be right sometimes, I’m pulling out of some overseas deals. The rag says that occasionally the Trump Organization is backing out after citing “deficiencies” in work done by others. Folks, this is my secret sauce. I have spent my career screwing small contractors with this one, now I’m just targeting bigger fish. Only now, when I screw them, I get points for avoiding a conflict of interest. Booyah.
Did you see that Newt “Swamp Lord” Gingrich recanted his claim that I would not drain the swamp? Thanks, Newt.
My regulation consigliere, Carl “Swamp Scum” Icahn, said that talking about me having conflicts of interest was “sort of a crazy issue.” Thanks, Carl. Carl says I can’t have a conflict unless I earn any interest on the money. Do you think the American people will buy that one?
Heads up to my loyal readers: Steve Bannon is advising me to decriminalize white collar crime because it has the word “white” in it. To a guy like me facing indictment, that sounds wicked smart.